Shell: Origin
A conversation with the people in frame; A conversation with beauty itself—not the beauty on our shells but the beauty that we store underneath it.
It has been a long second since I’ve been on here! However, I’m back with something fresh and exciting to share.
For those of you joining in directly from Substack, this post is a new series connected to a new project called SHELL. It is an extension of a parent company (called ‘to shape the’ which I share with my partner). The new branch is now called ‘to shape the shell’. If you’re curious about it, click here! Expect to find more of these posts here soon.
For those of you coming from Shell’s page on Instagram and curious to read on, thanks for sticking around! Please continue reading :)
Origin
Self-portrait photograph
March 11, 2019
Embu, Kenya
The first ‘conversation with the person in frame’ is with the self!
Why the self?
That’s where it begins and ends—
that’s the birth of ideation and emotion,
of doubt and everything ‘human’ we experience
in its purest form, firsthand!
Why pick this particular point in time in the past?
Because it was a time of questioning and redefining ‘beauty’
and what it means to me yet again.
It was a time of embodying what it meant to BE beautiful
and FEEL beautiful.
It was a time of anger,
and frustration, and letting go,
and rebuilding.
I often feel like the Tanvi before this experience and the Tanvi after this experience are two very different people. Sure, we’re growing and evolving each day, and sometimes even the versions of ourselves from yesterday may seem alien and unfamiliar. However, I felt this shift in me because, at that time, there was an ache inside that led to a risky decision—to leave everything and take some time off. I chose to volunteer at a small orphanage, almost in the middle of nowhere in Kenya, for about 4 months.
I don’t know exactly how I got through that time because it wasn’t easy, but it’s an experience I always look back on. I’ve documented it in a thick notebook, hoping to one day piece it together to share all the little funny stories, emotions, and unusual experiences.
We’ll see when that time rolls around. For now, I have an entry from one of these many entries I speak of from April 19, 2019.
(7:59 a.m.)
It feels so weird to get dressed. Like I want to, but it feels weird…strange. I mean, I like to dress up. I haven’t dressed up for quite some time. I feel—not awkward, but strange. Also, most of my other clothes [other than the ones I’ve been wearing here day in and day out] I had from the time I had hair. Since I’ve shaved, all I can wear are t-shirts and tracks to keep it 'simple’*. I love to dress up, but I haven’t for a long time. 2 months may not seem as long, but when you’re alone, I guess two months is a lot. I didn’t feel like moving today when my eyes opened. It was one of those mornings when I just wanted to close my eyes and disappear. But I think I’m going to Aunty Catherine’s church; I’m not sure though. She mentioned it but didn’t confirm.
Anyway, I got dressed. I wore my flared jeans and the salmon pink poofy flared sweater top thing. I wanted to wear some earrings. Been a while. I tried on the feather ones. It was too bright and visible now that I have no hair. I took them off.
I tried on the small stone ones. They looked okay. My eyes caught one of my hoops. The semi-ethnic hoops. I felt I looked pretty good, but it felt too much for here. I took them off and stuck with the small stone studs.
I applied a little mascara after almost 3 months, maybe. I like mascara. Then I did a half-subtle, lower water line liner. I came out [to the living room]. Ate half an avocado. I felt like changing what I was wearing. I went back in [to my room] and opened my big teal suitcase. I looked and I felt sad. I don’t know why. Not too sad. Just a small pang of sadness came over me. I zipped up the bag. I didn’t feel like changing anymore.
*Since I was volunteering at an orphanage in a rural area, it was important to dress as minimally as possible to avoid any feelings of status or jealousy. To not make anyone feel like they had less or I had more. It was an effort to try and include myself in some way in an environment that I clearly didn’t belong in. It definitely taught me a lot of humility.
You’ve made it to the end of Origin [to shape the shell]. Hope you had a good reading!
I’d love to hear your thoughts on where this story took you. Feel free to drop a message below!
Until next time,
See you on the pages,
Beaut.
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Inspiring 🌼🌱